Growing up, it was always strange to see my friends actually get along with their fathers, but even weirder seeing their fathers WANTING to be with them. It was a foreign concept to me. As a child, it never occurred to me that my dad was different. I didn't know anything else. He was the same with all three of us, so I just assumed that was normal. It wasn't until I started going to sleepovers at other friend's homes that I began to notice the different dynamic. As children, we internalize everything. We wonder what it is that we are doing that makes our parent that way with us. That is what I did. I thought that I wasn't trying hard enough to do things that would make him proud. I decided since my interests in dance and gymnastics was no doubt not impressive to him, that I needed to try to do things he did. I started hanging out with him in his shop, building things and tagging along when he went fishing. It never failed, I was always in the way. It bothered me for years.
I'm not sure at what age it clicked for me. That it wasn't my problem. At some point you realize that your parents lives exist outside of you and that the world doesn't actually revolve around you alone. You all the sudden realize that there are other variables involved outside of what you see in your little bubble. Then it occurs to you to just let it go.
I've come to understand that my dad loves me in his way. He may not be the most affectionate, nurturing or uplifting man, but if I were in trouble I know he'd be there. That's certainly more than some have.
"I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad" - Serve the Servants by Nirvana
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4 comments:
I can relate, sleepovers really are eye openers. Some Dads are genuinely interested in their kids, I'm happy for those kids and hope they realize how good they have it.
Such poignant words, well said.
When I was a kid, my dad was scary. SCARY. Mean-tempered, short fuse, always ready to hit and hit hard. So when I went to my friends' houses, I was always very timid around their fathers. Because, you know, dads are MEAN. Thinking back, I'm sure they thought "what the heck is wrong with that girl?" :)
I don't think I could have ever counted on my dad for much of anything, which is sad, but I did finally come to realize, like you, that it was not my issue.
Thanks Sarah. You just want to shake these kids that take that loving relationship for granted
I'm sorry Evelyn. No kid should have to endure that kind of pain. You are such an amazing person. I seriously mean that. It's a shame your dad didn't realize how lucky he was.
Such a weight is lifted when you finally realize that you didn't or couldn't have done anything to make a difference.
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